imageMethamphetamine on the left. Sobriety on the right. Losing yourself in drugs is like losing yourself in hell, while convincing yourself you are in heaven. It’s a constant battle of the spiritual world. My identity of the past is dead and buried. Now I’m sprouting into the woman God made me to be and couldn’t be happier. I decided to go to rehab on July 27th. It was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. I was so broken and didn’t know how to stay clean. After you adapt to a self destructive lifestyle it’s hard to find your way out. BUT GOD. He has help open up the scabs I kept picking and been with me every second of them healing. He has shown me how to sit still and relax as he nurtures me. His love is truly AMAZING. It’s hard for me to believe I got so indulgent in the flesh. That I lived such a selfish life. But I am an overcomer. God continues to fill up the emptiness everyday and teach me a new way of living. I’m fixing me right now. I’m learning to truly live for the first time without any chains holding me down. This is a part of my story and PRAISE GOD I’m alive. This is my truth, don’t hide from your own.


My trip story. By Gina L.

Posted: September 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

My trip story By Gina L.

I tried acid once. It was called Dead Ant. The tiny piece of paper had an ant printed on it. I was about 16 maybe 17 years old…. My friend from school (attended a highly accreditable Christian school hahaha!!) had just moved back to Colorado and brought this acid from Texas. It was something new and of course, being an active idiot, I had to try it. We were all set up. Had 2 other friends that were going to stay sober and her and I were doing to “drop”… Needless to say, I never ever touched the Shit again!!! Nor have I ever ever ever had the want to ever hallucinate ever again!!! It was horrible!!! 2hrs after dropping it our “friends” bounced and went to a party to drink. My boyfriend found out what I did and decided to come hunt me down WITH HIS MOTHER!!! It was snowing a blizzard outside and I had been all nice and cozy inside in a pair of sweat shorts and a tank top. But the moment him and his mother started pounding on her door I freaked!!! I climbed out a window Continue Reading…

Robin Williams , Alcoholic

Posted: September 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

Robin W., Alcoholic
Note: This is the first time I’ve written about something outside my own personal experience, but it’s been on my mind enough that I felt moved to.

When Amy Winehouse’s body was found with a blood alcohol content of .4% (five times the DUI level), lying among scattered vodka bottles like so many smoking guns, most of the media and public understood that her death was caused by alcoholism.

Not so with the loss of Robin Williams – also caused by alcoholism, but in a much subtler sense. The press does note that he had checked into rehab a few weeks prior, but his prolonged suspension of active drinking causes them to dismiss his addiction as conquered. It seems to me only my fellow alcoholics are able to intuit the close relationship between his alcoholism, depression, and the unbearableness of being that led him to take his life.

Williams was very open about his 2003 relapse after 20 years’ sobriety. He told Parade:

“One day I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And then that voice — I call it the ‘lower power’ — goes, ‘Hey. Just a taste. Just one.’ I drank it, and there was that brief moment of ‘Oh, I’m okay!’ But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a Continue Reading…

The Substance For You Saga Pt. 21–The End!!

For Part 20 go here-

The Creation of my True Recovery
Service Work + Giving Back

illicit mock saga The Substance For You Saga Pt. 21–The End! illicit mockIn early 2014 I published my very first book titled Illicit: Life in the Eyes of an Addict. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, but I knew the premise of these types of stories: “Share it!” So about a month after the book was published I got together with a close friend of mine, well two of them. One of my friends was great at this stuff already, spreading awareness on mental health issues with his company Voiceless Clothing. He had a great way to guide me with Voiceless CPR and lead me in all of the right directions on how to capture the vision. The other friend happened to be his brother, who turned out to be a mentor and editor for my book(s). We decided I needed a platform and not just space for an author. We needed an idea to be backed and my story was great for this purpose: “Addiction, Hope, Recovery.”

I then in the next month developed as a place to spread awareness for addiction and recoveries, as I had battled through it at that point for nearly half of, or more than that of my life. I put a blog on the website and share my stories on there, of which are msaga The Substance For You Saga Pt. 21–The End! 2DRDprWzostly my inner demons needed a place to be set free. Some of these stories are my PTSD night terrors, some are situations that weren’t discussed in the book Illicit, and others are other people’s recovery.

I also put a spot on there for the book, although it wasn’t the prime directive, the directive was to share the message that recovery from all these things I had done in my addiction was possible. It just so turned out that my book was the pivotal spot for the platform Your Inner Addict, as it became so much more.

During my first year open with Your Inner Addict, I Continue Reading…

About Walls, Doors and Windows – In Recovery
Posted on December 29th by Susanne Johnson
I’m sure everybody in this world knows the feeling of running against a wall. I don’t mean the physical way of doing so followed by a gnarly bump on the head. I’m talking about hitting a wall in relation to developing, reaching a goal, or wanting something. Now if you are an alcoholic or an addict like me you don’t just hit a wall, you will run full speed into it, bounce back and run into it again. Some people would call it stupidity, but it’s not. It’s rather persistence paired with some insanity. My disease makes me firmly believe that if I try it again the result will be different. There could be people running into this wall in front of me and I will still go full power, because if it doesn’t work for them that doesn’t mean it won’t work for me. I strongly believed that other people would get addicted, but that it wouldn’t happen to me. I felt bulletproof or, in this, case wall-proof.

In my recovery I hit walls as well. They may affect my spiritual growth, goals I want to reach, financial possibilities and more. I have learned today that my place in this world does not consist of running against walls numerous times and expecting different results, but to look for doors and see how to open them. Sometimes it seems, that God has shut a door for a reason, which I can’t understand, but often it’s for a good reason and when there is one door shut there is another one somewhere open. Today in recovery I need to keep my eyes open for those open doors and use them as they appear. I try to avoid walls by all means, but if I hit one, I can shake it off, dust off and look for the door. A setback is not a final destination. A relapse does not need to be the end of the road for somebody. My life today requires awareness and living in the present moment. It doesn’t do me any good to remember where doors used to be, I need to watch where they are today in this particular moment.

At certain times multiple doors open at once. I love to be adventurous today and look behind each one. Most don’t remain open forever, so hurry to take your opportunities. But often it’s on us to open doors for other people. It often requires a very small key to open a very heavy door. Be an opener of doors and help people around you out of the dark.

Sometimes in life there seems to be a huge wall and no doors. Life does not go forward; it’s halted, no matter how hard I look for open doors. There is no way forward, no job to get, no money to earn, not the right partner to find, no light in view. These are the moments where my life needs a break from running. I need to take a break, rest a moment and take a deep breath. If I keep being grateful, there will be a window to show me a sneak-peak of more to come soon, but it’s okay to stay for a moment where I am. Gratitude will open the next door.

Those windows can be foggy and that’s alright. I don’t need to know what’s coming next. I should not worry about it either. I can’t change what is on the other side. It is already there, patiently waiting for me and that time is right. But a window is always a sign of hope, a window is light, a window shows a way.

I will hold a door open today for everyone I meet in a supermarket, at a store, or in the office. I want to do it symbolic as a sign of gratitude for all those open doors that I found in my recovery. As a sign of gratitude for the windows of hope in my life I will today be mindful to the people around me and try to give hope to people that may have a bad day or received a bad message, etc. I will try to show them a window.

Your story of recovery could be the key to life for somebody, the door or the window somebody is looking for. Please share it here with us on our website. It takes only a few minutes of your time. Or contact me on Facebook (Susanne Johnson) and I will be very happy to help you write it or do it with a quick interview by chat or phone.

Yours ,
Susanne Johnson
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FinallyFree By Niki Fontaine

Posted: August 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

image image#19MonthsClean #AJunkiesTruth #FinallyFree #EyesWideopen
As I floated around in the brisk, salty ocean water with the waves crashing around me, I caught a glimpse of a seagull flying over-head, skimming through the sun’s rays with his wings fully spread & still. It instantly made me smile BC it wasn’t that long ago that I would see one from this very same spot & quietly beg God to let me be that seagull; FREE. See, for so long drugs kept me grounded, secluded, scared & alone.. even if there were ppl all around, I still felt so desperately & hopelessly alone. In the end, I hardly left my room anyway, & by room I mean whatever shithole bathroom in the latest crack shack or shooting gallery I was squatting at, at the time. Sometimes it wasn’t even a room at all, just a large water pipe on the side of the road, or an abandoned garage full of cat piss & shit, or underneath the bed of an 18 wheeler bc the tires could shield my entire 92 lb body so I could continuously shoot up & not be interrupted. One after another, after another, BC a shot of dope alone wasn’t enough anymore. It didn’t do it’s job any longer, not like it used to, not after a decade of abusing it, of being loyal to it. I gave up absolutely everything & anything for her’on BC that’s what Id do for the love of my life, but she turned on me. I was the dope, obviously. I knew it was bad when I needed 2 needles. 1 full of heroin & 1 full of coke & I managed to get em both in a vein simultaneously so that I could get the coke rush first, wait 10 seconds then push the dope in n fall back n let em both rush to my brain like a fukn warm torpedo blasting my nervous system & destroying any inkling of a feeling that might’ve crept back in. I’d stay there for hours, just repeating that system til I needed to get more. I never strayed too far from the source or from “my” money. My life literally was being lived in a 5 block radius. Actually “lived” should be in quotations cuz obvi this was anything but living. Rather, I was “dying” in a 5 block radius. A slow, torturous death that had me convinced I didn’t need anything or anyone else again. See, it’s the Gods honest truth when u hear that the DISEASE of addiction is cunning, baffling, & powerful. I see that now, how sick n how scary this sounds, but when I was in it, u couldn’t have paid me to do anything else. Just the thought of never getting to put a needle in my arm again was like someone trying to tell me I’d never see my mom again. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend life without the use of drugs to numb my emotions. I fukn LOVED getting high, and couldn’t just put it down, as much as I fukn HATED it at the same time. So, unrealistic things like becoming a seagull, or getting a drug-free brain transplant & clean blood transfusion, became my every birthday wish, prayer, and semi comatose thought. Anything short of a God given miracle being performed on me just wasn’t going to work. I had tried seemingly everything to get clean & sober & hundreds of times I failed miserably. I can see now that with each disappointing attempt, I was inching closer to having my freedom back tho, BC each time I learned something. Even if it was ‘What Not To Do’ next time around, that is a small step in the right direction. See, what some ppl don’t realize is.. willpower ain’t got shit to do with addiction. I just gotta laugh when ppl try to say that shit.. I gotta remember tho, some will NEVER get it but that’s okay. Thankfully I don’t need to prove myself to those ppl today, but for the ones who r reading this & aren’t drug addicts/alcoholics, addiction effects the same part of ur brain that tells u to breathe. So if u wanna try to truly understand what we go through.. Try telling urself not to breathe for 20 seconds, but u can’t THINK about not breathing either. I was either telling myself it was time to get high, or I was trying to convince myself not to get high, every waking second of every day for a fukn decade. THAT alone is tiring, nevermind the relentless chase & unending, soul-selling quest for more money immediately followed by the same daunting search of more drugs BC “1 is too many n 1000 is never enough!” The lying, cheating, manipulating. Sinking to new lows & more disgusting bottoms daily until u’ve crossed off each & every thing u said ud never do! It’s truly exhausting living as an addict. I know there’s so many ppl who consider us the scum of the earth, just useless junkies wasting their oxygen,.. but trust me, no one could ever think any worse of us than we do of ourselves already. So, I am sharing this BC somehow, by the grace of God, I am 19 months clean today. Just 19 months & a day ago that I prayed to die, that I couldn’t imagine in my wildest fukn dreams ever enjoying life again. Not high, not clean. But here I am, looking at this seagull, smiling, totally content today with being me, just as beautifully broken & perfectly flawed as I am. So my prayers tonight are no longer for myself, but for any

My Son. by Nicole J.

Posted: July 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

Dear Justin, ​​​​​​​​7/15/15

My son, my beautiful, amazing son. I wish for one minute you could see yourself through my eyes. See what an incredible human being God entrusted me with to mother. For if you could see that you would surely climb the highest mountain to achieve recovery. I hope you see it someday.

Finding out that my only child was addicted was the worst news I have ever heard in my life. My whole world spun out of control. Everything I understood about life made no sense anymore. The despair and gut wrenching fear overwhelmed me. In the beginning days back in 2011, it was all I could do to get out of bed some days. I am truly haunted by the difficult path you are living. When I envision the poison you put in your body and how you do it I could physically throw up. You are my baby boy, the most perfect human being in the world and the way you harm yourself makes me want to stop the world and get off. It exhausts me to let my mind go there. The only way I ever get my thoughts out of that place is to repeat the serenity prayer over and over in my mind , until I have shuffled it away.

I am in a state of perpetual grieving. Grieving for the life I thought I would have with you. Grieving for the hopes and dreams I had for you, and grieving for a child that is alive is the cruelest irony I could imagine. I know that I must move on and live my own life, that is my responsibility to do. I know that I am powerless to help you and I can’t begin to explain what a heart breaking realization that is for a mother. All I want to do is protect you from every pain and I can’t!! It pains me more than you could imagine.

That day back in 2011 when you had refused to go back to treatment and I told you that you could not live in our house unless you were sober, you packed a bag and walked to the door, turned to me and said, I am sorry mom, I don’t know if it will be one year or fifty but I have to go, I turned to you and said I hope I’m alive to see it. You were 20 years old. 20! It was as if I was saying goodbye to my son that I may never see again. The pain, sadness and heartache took me to my knees, it was at that time that I knew I could not live in our family home anymore. Thinking back on all the good times in our home made the pain greater. I could not even go into your room, all I saw when I went up there was the room I would read you stories in which was now the room you would puncture your body in. If I could have burned the house down I would have.

These past four years have really changed me. Some for the good, In my own program I am learning about me, my character defects and how to live my best life, your disease has taken far too much from all of us. I can’t allow it to take anymore. Truth be told, your absence is felt every moment, every holiday, every barbeque., every family dinner , every single day. I feel as though I went from being a mom to being childless. While everyone has their family around them I am here waiting for you to get well. I feel so sad for your absence. I try and carry on each day, but you are truly my first thought when I wake and my last thought at night before I close my eyes. I suppose that is the price of grief and a mother’s love for her child.

I know it is time for me to move on. I must make my way in this life of mine. It hurts me to even say that but it’s a necessity. I hope with all my heart that you will see your way to a life in recovery, and you can reassemble with the people that love you so much, there is nothing I wish more for you but if you should pick up again when you leave St. Christopher’s, mentally I will have to file this away. I cannot continue on this self-inflicted path of pain anymore. It truly has taken far too much from me and I must live in this lifetime too. Sometimes loving someone is doing nothing. Loving you is my specialty, that will never change.

Battle Scars

Posted: July 19, 2015 in Uncategorized


I am only twenty years old, but this journey has been one my soul feels fully alive with, and that’s something to cherish.
My name is Casey Montana Rogers. This last year has been quite a journey for me within the recovery community, but it all started years ago. My brother and I have always been best friends, he means a lot to me. We are ten years apart, but we have always been close. He travelled a long road battling addiction starting in his teen years, so I was just a little kid. My brother was not the “stereotype” addict. He was a good student, football player, cheerleader girlfriend, respectful, and kind. However, it was easy to tell the times he came home high, trying to act normal, can anyone “act” normal? And we always knew whom the phone call was about. But one time, the phone call was different. Imagine, you’re sound asleep, it’s two in the morning and the phone rings. Your heart jumps a beat. It’s one of those moments where you know deep down that something wasn’t right. My brother had overdosed on heroin, his heart had stopped, and he was being rushed to the hospital.

Fast forward a few years later, I’m eighteen years old, sitting in Nashville for the first time, writing a song, “Battle Scars,” about my brother overcoming his drug addiction and the role that family plays in recovery. YES, I did say, “overcoming!” By God’s grace he is now six years clean.

Two years after I recorded “Battle Scars,” I sent my song to Rockers In Recovery (RIR), an organization that travels around the United States to treatment centers spreading the message of hope and recovery through music. From that, it became the 2014 official song of RIR. After a year of traveling with Rockers In Recovery singing “Battle Scars” and sharing my brother’s story, I became the Unplugged Director. It has been such a blessing and honor to be a part of Rockers In Recovery. I believe when you share your own story, you allow others to open up and share theirs. You’re helping yourself by softening your heart, and helping others to soften theirs. No one should deal with the emotional strain that comes from bottling up your story. So now, I would like to share the story behind “Battle Scars.”

One night, my brother was with one of his best friends who happens to be a pretty popular musician where I am from. So while his friend was playing music, my brother overdosed on heroin at the bar. His friend jumped off stage and started giving him CPR. Everyone around was pulling him away saying, “he’s already gone.” He actually ended up punching someone and losing his gig. This is where the beginning line of my song comes in, “your heart stopped my hands were tied, but I’ll go down before I let you die.”

But he didn’t stop trying to keep his heart pumping. When the ambulance got there, they gave my brother a shot in the heart. My brother’s friend even came to the hospital to play for him. Talk about a true friend! My brother had many of his close friends, including his best friend, die of drug related incidences. This is where the line, “the fallen before you too many to count” comes in.

You can never lose hope. You cannot give up on your loved one, not when they need you the most.
It’s hard for families to understand the addicts mind. Addiction is a disease, and the hurt is not on purpose. This is why I wanted to talk about the family aspect in my song. I always had faith my brother would get through. For some reason, I was almost at peace about it. I attribute that to my faith in God. For I knew He had greater plans. I didn’t know it would be years later, but I am so blessed with the journey He has put me on. You can never lose hope. You cannot give up on your loved one, not when they need you the most. The addict will struggle through the awful battle of addiction, but the family goes through it too. This is where the chorus comes in, “You’re a warrior in the dark. All that’s left are battle scars. We are warriors in the dark. All the beauty in your battle scars.” You can’t let go! “We’ll stand here your hand in mine, on the battlefield one step at a time.”

As a family member of a loved one dealing with addiction, you will never fully understand it, but you can see the damage done, and realize it is not intentional. No one grows up saying, “I want to grow up to be a drug addict.” It’s a disease, and like any other needs treatment and support. As a family member and friend, you have to be the support. It might have to be tough love, but whatever the support is, never lose hope. If you lose hope, what gives the addict any?

It’s hard for me to deal with the stigma of addiction. It’s one of few things I will argue (and win) about, but only because I am so passionate about it. I know you can’t win everyone over, but just one person is a step in the right direction.

You can find addiction in almost every family, and if not, someone knows someone with addiction. It is no longer just in the “ghettos,” it is everywhere, every community and every city. So, even though sometimes I find myself surrounded by people who judge addiction, I have found it is okay because one thing you can’t argue against is a changed life, and that happens within the throws of addiction and the purpose driven life of recovery.

I have met so many wonderful people within the recovery world. Traveling around with Rockers In Recovery has really opened my eyes to how many people I have connected with, from all walks of life, who have been brought together through recovery. For that, I am thankful. I am only twenty years old, but this journey has been one my soul feels fully alive with, and that’s something to cherish.


I have been the Manager of a sober house for the past seven years.

A sober house is the last step for an addict in recovery, after detox, a treatment center, and then a half-way house. A sober house is a place where addicts in recovery can stay and get their heads together while they figure out how to live a sober life. It’s not a medical facility at all, it’s a residence, where we enforce sobriety through testing.

Mark rang the bell of our sober house one cold blustery day in late fall of 2011, and I took a dislike to him immediately. He was a big bulky kid wearing a fluorescent pink zebra-print hoodie sweatshirt, wide prison-striped black-and-white sweatpants, and a flat-brimmed baseball hat. The suburban white boy’s assimilation of the ghetto rap look.

And the desperation that was written all over this kid’s face made me wary.

Mark wanted to know if the house was a sober house, because he had heard that there was a “serious” zero tolerance sober house on this street. I told him that we were indeed a sober house, but we didn’t do walk-ins. He asked me if he could come in to call his parents, to see if they could get the referrals he needed. I said yes, but let him in only as far as the front hall. He called his mother, who then called his doctor, and Mark got the requisite documentation and funding to get into the house.

And then Mark crapped out spectacularly a few weeks later.

I was working an overnight shift away from the house when I got a call in the early hours of the morning from the women’s manager, with sirens in the background. Mark and another resident had been smoking crack, and had left the gas jets on the stoves on but the burners off, so the house had filled with gas Read the rest of this entry »

Psychedelic transitions, cures or suggestions while you trip..

If we as humans have a bad day and worry about something…during sleep we may dream it.
When some one is high or doing wrong to a degree of paranoia , we suffer the worry of things we don’t want to happen…
This power of suggestion controls our dreams and worries.( to worry is wasted energy) we suffer the consequences of things that haven’t even happened ( and may not happen) as if they did !
In the countries , back rooms and illegal(in USA) ceremony Dens , where the administration of this Hallucination concoction ( not all are mixed the same) is taking place , a coach ( who you usually PAY$ ) puts your mind in a place of suggestion before during and after you experience hallucination horrible sickness, physically and mentally , Vomit, Diarea & both…symptoms of food/or similar poisoning A VERY HORRIBE EXPERIENCE . THERE IS A REASON ITS ILLEGAL.
This is tripping, just like LSD and other lysergic acids , and hallucinogens of the 60s.
The success rate is undocumented and unproven. The failure rate is even suggested as a possibility by your ” coach” as a means of getting you back for multiple ( Costly )treatments. If there were any relevance to anything other than the powers of suggestion during hallucination, you would see research being done hare and around the world.
I wanted to do it at one point, thinking I was so bad I needed radical treatment. After much research ( what I do ) I found this is not only a horrible tripping drug…it’s also not science by any means, as well as quite a $cam…
Oh yea , I failed to mention ( nor will they ) Many have DIED from this ! These people are con men… …DONT DO IT !

Ibogaine (12-Methoxyibogamine) is a naturally occurring psychoactive substance found in a number of plants, principally in a member of the Apocynaceae family known as iboga. In recent times, it has been identified as having anti-addictive properties. It is a highly controlled substance in the United States. It is classified by the FDA as a Schedule I drug, meaning that it is not available to the general public. Anyone legally seeking this drug would have to travel to one of the countries where it is available, such as Canada.

Ibogaine is thought to interrupt addiction to methadone, heroin, other opiates, alcohol, methamphetamine, and cocaine. The most studied therapeutic effect of ibogaine is the reduction or elimination of addiction to opiods. An integral effect is the alleviation of symptoms of opiod withdrawal by its action on the kappa and mu opiod receptors in the brain. It has an aspect of an opiate replacement similar to compounds like methadone (this is distinctly different from Suboxone treatment.) It can only be used briefly because of its significant side effect profile. Thus, it is always linked to a “rapid detox program.” It also appears to act as a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor like many of the newer anti-depressants on the market today (like Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro, etc.)

Ibogaine is not the “magic pill” everyone is looking for. The programs that use ibogaine as part of their “rapid detox program” also recommend “intensive counseling, therapy and aftercare treatment” which they classify as having “significant value” in the person’s overall program. They go on to say “some individuals require a second or third treatment session with ibogaine over the course of the next 12-18 months.” They also go on to say, “A minority of individuals relapse completely into opiate addiction within days to weeks.” So ibogaine is a drug treatment that must be used over a short period of time because of its side effect profile, and the individual must have extensive counseling and follow up aftercare for there to be any chance of continued sobriety.

The side effect profile is huge, thus the risk of taking the drug is enormous. The side effects of taking ibogaine are as follows:
#1 Sensation of fear
#2 Temporary short-term memory impairment
#3 Ataxia (difficulty standing or walking)
#4 Xerostomia (dry mouth)
#5 Nausea and vomiting
#6 Cardiac arrhythmias (atrial & ventricular – some potentially fatal)
#7 Brain damage

#8 Death