FinallyFree By Niki Fontaine

Posted: August 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

image image#19MonthsClean #AJunkiesTruth #FinallyFree #EyesWideopen
As I floated around in the brisk, salty ocean water with the waves crashing around me, I caught a glimpse of a seagull flying over-head, skimming through the sun’s rays with his wings fully spread & still. It instantly made me smile BC it wasn’t that long ago that I would see one from this very same spot & quietly beg God to let me be that seagull; FREE. See, for so long drugs kept me grounded, secluded, scared & alone.. even if there were ppl all around, I still felt so desperately & hopelessly alone. In the end, I hardly left my room anyway, & by room I mean whatever shithole bathroom in the latest crack shack or shooting gallery I was squatting at, at the time. Sometimes it wasn’t even a room at all, just a large water pipe on the side of the road, or an abandoned garage full of cat piss & shit, or underneath the bed of an 18 wheeler bc the tires could shield my entire 92 lb body so I could continuously shoot up & not be interrupted. One after another, after another, BC a shot of dope alone wasn’t enough anymore. It didn’t do it’s job any longer, not like it used to, not after a decade of abusing it, of being loyal to it. I gave up absolutely everything & anything for her’on BC that’s what Id do for the love of my life, but she turned on me. I was the dope, obviously. I knew it was bad when I needed 2 needles. 1 full of heroin & 1 full of coke & I managed to get em both in a vein simultaneously so that I could get the coke rush first, wait 10 seconds then push the dope in n fall back n let em both rush to my brain like a fukn warm torpedo blasting my nervous system & destroying any inkling of a feeling that might’ve crept back in. I’d stay there for hours, just repeating that system til I needed to get more. I never strayed too far from the source or from “my” money. My life literally was being lived in a 5 block radius. Actually “lived” should be in quotations cuz obvi this was anything but living. Rather, I was “dying” in a 5 block radius. A slow, torturous death that had me convinced I didn’t need anything or anyone else again. See, it’s the Gods honest truth when u hear that the DISEASE of addiction is cunning, baffling, & powerful. I see that now, how sick n how scary this sounds, but when I was in it, u couldn’t have paid me to do anything else. Just the thought of never getting to put a needle in my arm again was like someone trying to tell me I’d never see my mom again. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend life without the use of drugs to numb my emotions. I fukn LOVED getting high, and couldn’t just put it down, as much as I fukn HATED it at the same time. So, unrealistic things like becoming a seagull, or getting a drug-free brain transplant & clean blood transfusion, became my every birthday wish, prayer, and semi comatose thought. Anything short of a God given miracle being performed on me just wasn’t going to work. I had tried seemingly everything to get clean & sober & hundreds of times I failed miserably. I can see now that with each disappointing attempt, I was inching closer to having my freedom back tho, BC each time I learned something. Even if it was ‘What Not To Do’ next time around, that is a small step in the right direction. See, what some ppl don’t realize is.. willpower ain’t got shit to do with addiction. I just gotta laugh when ppl try to say that shit.. I gotta remember tho, some will NEVER get it but that’s okay. Thankfully I don’t need to prove myself to those ppl today, but for the ones who r reading this & aren’t drug addicts/alcoholics, addiction effects the same part of ur brain that tells u to breathe. So if u wanna try to truly understand what we go through.. Try telling urself not to breathe for 20 seconds, but u can’t THINK about not breathing either. I was either telling myself it was time to get high, or I was trying to convince myself not to get high, every waking second of every day for a fukn decade. THAT alone is tiring, nevermind the relentless chase & unending, soul-selling quest for more money immediately followed by the same daunting search of more drugs BC “1 is too many n 1000 is never enough!” The lying, cheating, manipulating. Sinking to new lows & more disgusting bottoms daily until u’ve crossed off each & every thing u said ud never do! It’s truly exhausting living as an addict. I know there’s so many ppl who consider us the scum of the earth, just useless junkies wasting their oxygen,.. but trust me, no one could ever think any worse of us than we do of ourselves already. So, I am sharing this BC somehow, by the grace of God, I am 19 months clean today. Just 19 months & a day ago that I prayed to die, that I couldn’t imagine in my wildest fukn dreams ever enjoying life again. Not high, not clean. But here I am, looking at this seagull, smiling, totally content today with being me, just as beautifully broken & perfectly flawed as I am. So my prayers tonight are no longer for myself, but for any

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