My Son. by Nicole J.

Posted: July 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

Dear Justin, ​​​​​​​​7/15/15

My son, my beautiful, amazing son. I wish for one minute you could see yourself through my eyes. See what an incredible human being God entrusted me with to mother. For if you could see that you would surely climb the highest mountain to achieve recovery. I hope you see it someday.

Finding out that my only child was addicted was the worst news I have ever heard in my life. My whole world spun out of control. Everything I understood about life made no sense anymore. The despair and gut wrenching fear overwhelmed me. In the beginning days back in 2011, it was all I could do to get out of bed some days. I am truly haunted by the difficult path you are living. When I envision the poison you put in your body and how you do it I could physically throw up. You are my baby boy, the most perfect human being in the world and the way you harm yourself makes me want to stop the world and get off. It exhausts me to let my mind go there. The only way I ever get my thoughts out of that place is to repeat the serenity prayer over and over in my mind , until I have shuffled it away.

I am in a state of perpetual grieving. Grieving for the life I thought I would have with you. Grieving for the hopes and dreams I had for you, and grieving for a child that is alive is the cruelest irony I could imagine. I know that I must move on and live my own life, that is my responsibility to do. I know that I am powerless to help you and I can’t begin to explain what a heart breaking realization that is for a mother. All I want to do is protect you from every pain and I can’t!! It pains me more than you could imagine.

That day back in 2011 when you had refused to go back to treatment and I told you that you could not live in our house unless you were sober, you packed a bag and walked to the door, turned to me and said, I am sorry mom, I don’t know if it will be one year or fifty but I have to go, I turned to you and said I hope I’m alive to see it. You were 20 years old. 20! It was as if I was saying goodbye to my son that I may never see again. The pain, sadness and heartache took me to my knees, it was at that time that I knew I could not live in our family home anymore. Thinking back on all the good times in our home made the pain greater. I could not even go into your room, all I saw when I went up there was the room I would read you stories in which was now the room you would puncture your body in. If I could have burned the house down I would have.

These past four years have really changed me. Some for the good, In my own program I am learning about me, my character defects and how to live my best life, your disease has taken far too much from all of us. I can’t allow it to take anymore. Truth be told, your absence is felt every moment, every holiday, every barbeque., every family dinner , every single day. I feel as though I went from being a mom to being childless. While everyone has their family around them I am here waiting for you to get well. I feel so sad for your absence. I try and carry on each day, but you are truly my first thought when I wake and my last thought at night before I close my eyes. I suppose that is the price of grief and a mother’s love for her child.

I know it is time for me to move on. I must make my way in this life of mine. It hurts me to even say that but it’s a necessity. I hope with all my heart that you will see your way to a life in recovery, and you can reassemble with the people that love you so much, there is nothing I wish more for you but if you should pick up again when you leave St. Christopher’s, mentally I will have to file this away. I cannot continue on this self-inflicted path of pain anymore. It truly has taken far too much from me and I must live in this lifetime too. Sometimes loving someone is doing nothing. Loving you is my specialty, that will never change.

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