Any one ?

Posted: December 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

There are some facts here that all of us have absorbed as our lives progress through addiction, be it our own or some one close. Sooner or later every one has to know some on involved in addiction. When you are the addicted one, and are pointed out in your own family, as the missing party game goes on… When I refer to ” missing party” I mean, person, the one not here, or should I say not invited. Horrible to feel left out of family functions for years on end. A family that really, taught me how to party in the first place. Young large family of 6 children, growing up in the 60s. Every one got high on some thing. Our assistant principal, Dr. Whiteman smoked weed ! Walking home from school the cut through the woods was littered with beer cans, as was every park garbage pail in the county. ( this was before the days of 5 cent dep. or recycling ).
Now as adults with families of our own. Excuses are made to pick up MY children and bring them out to see their cousins…only to find out when they return, your entire family was their including relatives from out of state ! You were overlooked on the invite list ? Was I ever a monster in public ? Have I ever started a commotion or hurt anyone at an affair ? Have I ever even been a nuisance or committed a crime ? Did I drink any more than any of my 5 brothers or sisters. Did I even still smoke weed, like a few of them STILL DO ? Or is it just because they all know I battled cocain a lot harder than their minor usage back in the 80s. Or that I secretly used it into the 2000s. Or just because I smoked Crack and when any of them tried it , it was still called FREEBASING . I’m really not sure ? I am sure of one thing , I miss them all terribly, I was barely spoken too at my moms funeral . I’ve been clean a few years, we all live on the same island. Only because I lost my home to a hurricane do I speak with one of my brothers…
Now if I was to be asked to come to a BBQ , I don’t think I want to be with people who wouldn’t have some one like me around all these years…
I live alone, on an empty planet. Your favorite addict.

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Comments
  1. Jennifer Gayewski says:

    My story began 7 years ago when I began using and immediately fell in love with opiates. I started just snorting oxy’s. My husband and I went through any and all measures to make sure we had pills so we wouldn’t be sick. He worked a full-time job and I was a stay at home mom of our two beautiful daughters. Our oldest daughter was diagnosed with chronic kidney diseases she was just 18 months old. Facing kidney failure and I was completely incapable of caring for either one of my kids. My husband and I were on a downwards spiral going out of control. We were always broke missing Dr.s appointments for a chronically ill child. That didn’t stop us though we only sought out an “easier” way. I gave in to the needle before he did. I remember the day he saw the track marks on my arms. He cried. We were best friends and swore to each other we would never go that route no matter what. I know that crushed him. I went to rehab for 30 days, but my addiction ruled me. I was addicted to heroin the needle the whole fucking mess! We lost everything. Our cars our home. We had nothing but each other and in time we lost that too. I spent every minute of everyday trying to find something to inject into my arms, or my hands, or my feet. Eventually the veins in my arms collapsed so I would shoot up into the smaller veins in my hands and feet. At this point we were living with his family. Our girls didn’t have their own rooms. They slept with us. Then one day that first phone call came. One of my very best and dearest friends had died of a heroin/cocaine overdose. She was smart and beautiful and also had a beautiful daughter. She had everything to live for but just couldn’t stop. Her loss devastated me. It still does, but I know she’s still with me. She is the reason I began to turn my life around. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my husband and my girls any longer. I slowly watched myself getting better, but my husband was getting sicker. I started finding spoons and needles in his pants pockets. I was losing him. I took the girls and moved into my parent’s house. Another call came that another dear friend of ours had died of a heroin overdose. My heart was breaking. I knew in my heart that I had to stay on the right path. Keep doing me and taking care of my girls. Two weeks after that heart breaking phone call and a devastated community of people who were still grieving the loss of two of our closest friends to this disease, I got the phone call that I had been dreading for over a year. My husband had overdosed in his parent’s bathroom. By the time I got there he was dead. I don’t understand it. I never will. He left us behind and it kills me everyday. I wonder all the time if there was something I could or should have done to help him. I fucking HATE DRUGS! They took my friends my husband, everything I loved away from me. Right now hate and anger is the only thing driving me to stay clean. My husband will be gone 4 months on December 23rd. Why???

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